Last night, my boyfriend showed me this video (which went viral on the internet) of a girl who did a live stream of her suicide. Actually, he would not let me see it thinking that I might not be able to sleep at night because he said it was creepy – the kind of creepy that would send chills down to your spine – but I insisted. Upon seeing the video, I did not feel anything at all instead of pity for the 12 year old girl who took her own life because she gave in to depression.
I have been through depressing moments when I was in high school. I was bullied by most of my male classmates (and some female classmates) because I was being an arrogant prick at that time. So whenever I pass by them, they would always make this sound of a squeaking rat (Up until now, I’m still confused as to why they chose that sound as a method to bully me. Maybe because I have this squeaky voice or maybe because I have weird incisors. I really don’t know). I did have a support group back then but I ended up driving them away because I was having all of these negative emotions due to depression and I felt like they didn’t really understand me or care about me at all. One of them actually told me that I was the reason why it made it hard for her to trust others.
A stressful event which lead to another, I started to doubt myself. Self-esteem plummeted and reached rock bottom, the doubt lead to anger towards self. I would spend my nights crying myself to sleep and dreading the morning, wishing I didn’t have to wake up and go to school which was like hell to me at that time. Though the bullying receded from an all-male choral squeaking to laughing across the room every time the word “rat” was mentioned in the class, it didn’t stop not until I graduated from high school and moved to another city.
Compared to what that girl went through in her life, I can say mine was nowhere near her experiences but my point is, no one has to go through a very traumatizing event just to suffer from depression. You don’t need a doctor to tell that you feel crap about yourself because you know you’re feeling it. People get this misconception that depression is just “a state of mind”, that it is just a feeling of being “down”. Well, it’s not. It’s more than just that.
Depression is like always being underwater. You tread as hard as you could but you never resurface. You promise that you’d never succumb to it again but one single event that triggers it and you’re back to sulking in the corner. It’s suffocating, a living hell, a clear and calm sea from another person’s perspective but a dark and raging one in yours. Depression turns you against yourself, against your friends and basically against everyone who loves you. You easily get mad at them over petty things, feel guilty about it and start to think you don’t deserve having them in your life, then you push them away because that’s the only thing that you can think of doing in order not to get depressed again. Honestly, it’s a b*tch. It makes you want to kill yourself because you just want to end the suffering.
I’m not writing this post to condone the act of just letting oneself drown in depression and commit suicide. Being sluggish or dying might be the easiest way to get out of it but if there’s one thing that I’ve learned as I’m going through depression, it’s this: No one can help myself but only me. So instead of hiding and doing nothing, try to be active. Keep on trying to be okay. As tiring as it is, we have to keep treading all the way up to the surface–even if it means grasping just a little bit of air for a short time. I bet we can all agree that we all want to be fine, even if we know it’s temporary. At least with those little taste of happiness, we’re slowly building this hope that one day we’ll be permanently fine.